I look back at my daughters’ childhood years with great joy, tinged with some regret. It’s a sad fact, that often during these years when our children need and deserve our time the most, we have the least amount of time to give them.

It’s especially true if you’re a full-time working single parent like I was. I hope this post offers new parents of teenagers with helpful tips and ways to avoid some of the mistakes I made.

What is a teenager?

There’s no denying that the teenager is a complex piece of human biology - prone to sudden outbursts, changes of tempo and direction, or breakdown at any given moment. It knows everything, is invincible and fights fiercely for its independence. The teenager will generally keep any parent on their toes, both emotionally and financially, for several tumultuous years.

Kelly is five years older than Shannon, and as they‘ve grown up into beautiful young adults, it’s become clearer that Kelly got the harsher deal as far as my parental expectations go. It seems this isn’t unusual. I’m the eldest and my parents were definitely harder on me than my brother, and I know several others who were the older siblings and experienced the same.

Let’s cut to the chase - the oldest child is basically a parental experiment resulting in both success and failure, and lessons learned that can often benefit the younger children.

This is no more apparent than during the teenage years. If you have/had teenagers you may recognise some of the following, if not, brace yourself for the emotional rollercoaster and take heed from one who has trodden that path, albeit before mobile phones, mass social media and online gaming became major parts of our lives.

An 18th birthday cake decorated in pink and cream butter icing with sugar flowers an elegant lady cake topper and candles — One of the many birthday cakes I made throughout their childhoods

Teenage milestones

There are so many milestones during the teen years: hitting 13 is exciting; reaching ‘sweet’ 16 whilst studying for GSCEs; learning to drive at 17; turning 18 and being legally allowed to drink.

Exams

One of the most stressful times (for me) was during Kelly’s GCSEs. Being the dutiful caring parent, and wanting to help her manage the vast amount of revision and ten exams, I invested both time and money into creating a revision chart. Kelly played along, politely nodding and passing the yellow, orange or blue highlighter when asked. It was a piece of art ….. which ended up in a corner of her room never to be looked at again.

The problem was, her study leave coincided with her first boyfriend. Disaster!

Revision did not take priority. Suddenly, my motherly concerns over her revision and relaxation schedule, and exam grades moved to more basic and physical ones! Considering she only did five hours home revision, she did well, but definitely not as good as if she’d followed my beautiful chart.

Shannon, on the other hand, worked extremely hard for her exams and celebrated with her friends when they got their results. She had a large group of friends whose gatherings rotated between several houses. Many of these were held at ours - sometimes in the makeshift garage den they created (the walls still have their painted messages and names on it), or in the house which was always a worry, or out in the garden during the summer months.

They were a great bunch of kids and usually respectful of the house and neighbourhood. However, when you have around fifteen tipsy teenagers the volume tends to increase exponentially. Not a problem when it was a daytime party but there were times when it reached 11 pm and I had to be the boring mum who stepped in a spoiled the party. Off they’d trundle into town or to someone else’s house to carry on having fun.

Music

Shannon enjoyed music but never went through any of the typical teenage stages, whereas aged 14, Kelly hit her Emo stage - dark moody clothing reflecting the dark moody teenager perfectly.

Our shared passion is the love of music, and I was delighted Kelly introduced me to many new alternative artists, such as My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy and Paramore, as well as new punk artists like Avril Lavigne and Greenday. I remember being a little concerned that some of the albums were marked ‘Parental Advisory - Explicit Content’ and quite shocked that the ‘F’ word was used in some songs. Hey, don’t judge me - I was being protective. Actually, they expanded my vocabulary and now I swear like a f***ing trooper.

Black and white parental advisory warning of explicit content — The warning sign on many of Kelly’s CD collection

Like many youngsters, Kelly’s boyfriend was in a band - a heavy metal group called Arethusa. He was the bass player and over the summer she often went to watch their practice sessions and ended up singing for them. By August they were entered into the local Junior Battle of the Bands.

Seeing her on stage belting out heavy metal classics such as Metallica’s ‘Master of Puppets’ and Black Sabbath’s ‘Paranoid’ was superb - it was like the hidden Kelly had been let free. She owned the stage and got the crowd going which took me back to my youth club days, headbanging to Rainbow’s ‘I Surrender’ and Motorhead’s ‘Ace of Spades’.

Their performance got a great write up in our local paper and I couldn't have been prouder, envisaging Kelly collecting her BRIT award from Rhianna or McFly. They won their heat and finished fourth overall with Kelly suffering from laryngitis for a few weeks after!

Learning to drive

Then comes the learning to drive stage!

I had a moped at sixteen (neither of my girls wanted a bike), but remember how excited I was to drive a car a year later.

I consider myself a patient person but, holy moly, that patience was pushed to its limit as the passenger of a barely 17-year-old non-driver. It’s truly scary and there were times when I gasped in fear, as a granite wall to my left was literally cms away.

Having been brought up with motorbikes and cars (Dad owned a car dealership), I’ve driven all sorts, from Ford Fiestas to a Ferrari. Knowing the ridicule female drivers got when I was younger, it was important to me that the girls were great drivers and could reverse park into the tightest of spots. I’m glad to say the stressful practice drives were worthwhile, as they are both good drivers.

Kelly had been convinced by friends that a Subaru Justy was the car for her. I had never heard of it and then found a photo and was very disappointed - it’s a box on wheels. Thankfully, she saw sense and got a dark green Toyota Yaris which she called ‘Sprout’. Shannon chose a sky blue Ford Ka and named it ‘Bubble’.

Why are teenagers so emotional?

Probably the hardest for both teenager and parent to handle is puberty. It causes both physical and emotional turmoil, and is often the reason for arguments, raised voices and the odd ‘I hate you'! I’m glad to say that I can only recall one of the girls saying that on one occasion.

The problem is, it kicks in at a time in life when we expect so much from them.

School work gets more intense, followed by the pressure of exams, as well as their need for independence and the realisation that Mum doesn't actually know everything. Their rebellious nature starts pushing boundaries and they feel a level of invincibility. Add to this the insecurity, vulnerability and that their bodies are changing before their eyes, and it’s no wonder their reactions can be volatile.

And, sadly there will always be the little shits who make those years even harder by emotional or physical bullying. Or both - often with lasting traumatic effects.

I spent many many hours on the phone or visiting the school trying to resolve several nasty situations which Kelly dealt with on a regular basis. Vicious things like nasty nicknames as she suffered from acne; food smeared on her locker; doors purposely smashed into her face; her lunchbox stolen or thrown so it opened and the contents spread out over the floor. I was completely devastated the day I found out she often had lunch behind a locked door in a toilet cubicle. Remember, this was well before these sorts of scenarios were shown on TV, and I’m so glad they are now.

The school was woefully inadequate in dealing with any of this, until I called the police. Unsurprisingly, they then took it a bit more seriously! Unfortunately, the damage had already left its scars.

Coincidentally, it’s been a real eye-opener realising how similar menopausal symptoms are to the hormonal upheaval that teenagers suffer from. Thank goodness, our major ‘time of life’ changes didn’t happen at the same time! Or, if they had, might we have recognised the symptoms and understood each other better?

Do teenagers with ADHD act differently?

Yes.

Kelly was recently diagnosed with ADHD so it’s now easier to understand some of her behaviour as a teenager which, at times, was challenging. The above illustration represents Kelly’s brain perfectly - even when she appears to have zoned out, her brain doesn't rest.

Like me, Shannon was very much a ‘morning person’, usually smiling from the minute she woke up, taking control of her own routine and off to school.

Kelly - not so much. She was the typical moody teenager who took forever to get out of bed and seemed to lack any motivation, often preferring to stay inside on her own than mix with friends.

Following her diagnosis, it’s now clear why she had such great difficulty making and keeping friends. If only Google had been around sooner, I might have found valuable information like this which I recently read on a site called Foothills Academy:

“When children with ADHD enter a social setting, they may have a hard time sharing, taking turns, listening, and picking up on social cues. They often become bored, distracted, or check-out of the conversation. Students with ADHD may have a hard time managing their emotions when interacting with their peers. They can become easily overwhelmed, impatient, or frustrated”.

As Kelly was my first child, I had never experienced this before, I simply put it down to being a teenager. If I had known, I think I would have been easier on her, rather than questioning why she didn’t want to go out; or had let her friend down at the last minute; or kept forgetting her homework etc. What made the situation worse is that she is so capable and incredibly creative, and as soon as she focussed on something she excelled, with a task finished in a quarter of the time it would take others, often to a high standard.

It was exasperating! Why couldn't she simply do something when it was needed, rather than waiting until the evening before a project was due?

What I also failed to realise was that her constant fidgeting was a sign and during social get togethers, whether a family Sunday lunch or larger event, Kelly was putting on a brave face, now referred to as ‘masking’, doing her utmost to smile and be involved. Yet, all this exhausted her, and still does today but I am more aware of it now, and she is more comfortable to voice when she needs to take a break or is simply unable to to attend.

A close up mobile phone screen with multiple social media icons — 24 hour interaction is overwhelming our teenagers

Are today’s teenagers different?

Yes and no.

Teenager rebellion and angst is still alive and kicking but what was so very different about Kelly and Shannon’s teenage years compared to generations before them was the arrival of internet messaging, social media and 24 hour news.

They are constantly bombarded with information and images about everything and anything; good or bad; true or false; inspiring or demoralising. It’s overwhelming and they have trouble switching off.

My girls embraced new technology and Kelly introduced me to the then new MSN Messenger system, webcams and a weird online encyclopedia called Google, which I really didn’t think would catch on!

It’s mind-boggling how rapidly things have changed since she was thirteen. In 2005, she showed me a video on an oddly named thing called YouTube. It was so totally different to anything I had seen on a computer screen that I can still remember it now. It was a funny cat compilation with Bjork’s song, ‘It’s oh so quiet’, dubbed over it. I couldn't get my head around why people would sit at a computer to watch videos on YouTube when the TV had everything you wanted. How wrong was I? Now Shannon is making a living with her own successful channel.

Can parents learn from their teens?

Absolutely.

Too often youngsters hear older people say, ‘when I was was young’, which is totally uncomparable as the world is a completely different place to what is was for Generations X and earlier.

Kelly and Shannon taught me so much during their teenage years - new ways of learning, communicating and living. They introduced me to adolescent humour, vocabulary and music. In truth, they kept me young and in touch with the values and obstacles that Generations Y and Z face.

They’ve always been able to openly discuss and debate their opinions, ethics and even disappointment with the world around them, often during family get togethers. It’s fascinating to hear the wide range of views and experiences that come from three different generations.

I may find some of their points difficult to understand but always take time to listen to what they are saying and accept that their life experience is very different from what mine was at their age.

In Summary

Living with teenagers is both difficult and inspiring.

I’d like to say that due to my excellent parenting skills, the three of us got through Kelly and Shannon’s teenage years very well. It was actually because I have two kind, loving and respectful children who appreciated our modern family dynamic and, in most cases, knew when they had gone too far.

Being a parent of a teen means being prepared for anything whether it relates to sex, drugs or punk rock. Being open-minded about their experiences, needs and relationships, be it boyfriends and girlfriends, or both.

Talk with them. Don't be dismissive of their ideas, support their willingness to express their opinions in a polite way, rather than them feeling that they are not listened to, or talked down to.

It’s far easier to say with hindsight - give them some slack. Being a single mum heightened my fears for the girls’ safety and I worried too much about what others would think and the impression they made. We joke that I always had a roll of bubblewrap ready to protect them but I accept that I often smothered them, and even now they are 25 and 30 years old, I have to force myself not to message or ring too often. It’s a work in progress.

Most importantly of all, love them unconditionally, as hard as that may be at times!

Memoirs of a Single Mum - The Teen Years